I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so let's talk penis.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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