I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
In other news, I just burned my penis
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
