Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
