he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
