last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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