When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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