just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
