Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
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