Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
