quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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