im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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