Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
