so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
