if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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