It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
