Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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