God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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