I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
