i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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