I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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