and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
