Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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