do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
