a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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