i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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