someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
