i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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