apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
