Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
