Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
