Swine flu. Run for my life!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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