Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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