hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
