So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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