Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize