Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
