Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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