it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
