Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
