Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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