everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize