A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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