Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
