last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
