oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
