So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
