Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
