I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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