You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
