I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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