You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
