is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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