R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
