i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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