You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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