I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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