Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize