I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
