So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
