I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
