Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
