I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
