Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think a kid would responsible me up
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
my poor anus
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
