The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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