3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
