Who wears a wallet chain?!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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