Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
