I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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