You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
