I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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