I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
